Sixteen: Will Smith (08-01-2022)
On a rainy, chilly, all around gloomy morning like today's in the American Northeast, the only comfort a man can have in his busy schedule is a chance to watch the morning's news. Local programming provides him with his weather, traffic, and local crime stories, but it's national news, broadcast by a centralized corporate studio, that keeps him an informed and empowered member of society. Today, these heroes of journalism sifted through the veritable onslaught of daily happenings, gruesome wars and civil unrests, political upheavals and debates, and presented to the public, at the top of the hour, the most important thing to happen in recent times: actor Will Smith's apology for slapping Chris Rock 6 months ago.
The American public has been at the edge of their seats nervously awaiting each participant's public statements on that controversial moment, beamed live by futuristic space satellites into every American's home, exposing everyone from impressionable children to racist grandparents to the epitome of black-on-black violence. Now, with Will Smith begging for forgiveness, this nation can finally heal. Unfortunately, before that healing can occur, Americans have a civic and cultural duty to watch several hours of nationally broadcast cable news debate on the legitimacy and sincerity of Mr. Big Willie Style's apology. Interspersed throughout this critical coverage is reports on other news and events, like flooding in Kentucky, a state known for its chicken and other things, and the war in Ukraine, which is still going on despite a lack of public interest. Shouldn't Ukraine and Russia move on to something else?
A story that is fortunately being relegated to the headline-ticker and bottom-of-page headlines by major news services is Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi's taxpayer-funded vacation in Asia, where her itinerary includes gambling, arms testing, adrenochrome parties, and possibly, although she hasn't made clear yet, a stop in Taiwan for some noodles. China, a country that makes no mistake of the opulent lifestyles of its ruling class, is not too pleased with Pelosi's intent and indecision about stopping in their special administrative region, but might resolve the issue by vaporizing her and her plane. Nancy Pelosi's approaching demise is good news for the climate-savvy, as it means one less jet-site dinosaur bimbo gallivanting around in a carbon-expending private plane.
The downside to Nancy Pelosi playing chicken with Chinese foreign policy will be the potential for war, where some people, who rightfully see China as a potential ally with more in common with the US than not, will have to either feign support for an avenging war effort, or become a social outcast who simply understands the economic and cultural superiority of America's far eastern twin. Major news outlets know that Pelosi's trip being covered, debated, and audited in public would only stoke fear and division in the American television audience, something that news outlets would never do. As such, keeping coverage as limited as possible avoids a panic about the safety of America's foremost insider trader, and keeps airtime available for more pressing matters.
Will Smith, unbeknownst to many prior to his brutal assault of Donkey from Shrek voice actor Chris Rock, is an actor and Hollywood executive. Better known for his genre-defining hip hop career, and coining this generation's Willennium, he ultimately destroyed his career by attempting murder on live television, then employing a series of horrifying swear words that undoubtedly reverted American racial politics to their pre-1950s state. The Born to Reign rapper has since spent the last few months in Scientology auditing sessions, sourcing his outburst back to alien vessels trapped in Precambrian volcanoes, and has now repented publicly. It's exciting to know he'll now return to the recording studio to produce more inspiring and empowering rap music.