Twenty: Art Project (08-05-2022)
Make her dinner without her asking. Show up to her house uninvited. Know things about her that she doesn't even know. Tell her embarrassing things about yourself to make her feel better about how gross she is then tell it's because you find her gross. Move her things around without telling her. Take pictures of yourself on her phone and accuse her of doing it. Eat her food in the fridge then tell her she shouldn't be eating that much anyway. Use the gas in her car. Siphon the gas out of her car. Ask her for money. Put her clothes on and tell her it's not good that they fit on you. Glue her paychecks together and tell her it's an art project.
Leave her house in the middle of the night. Open her windows with the AC on. Leave dishes in her sink. Never flush the toilet, never wipe fully. Use her fancy shampoos and complain about them messing up your hair. Hold a lighter up to the smoke detector to set it off. Cut a hole in the wall for a "new outlet". Visit her parents regularly and tell them you're going to marry her. Leave her voicemails all the time. Take the RAM out of her computer. Bring her flowers at her work twice in a day and insist they let you deliver them to her yourself, then use the bathroom at her work and clog the toilet. Buy her chocolate and eat all of it.
Make reservations then be responsible for missing them. Go to the waterpark with her and get sunburnt then complain about it the entire ride home. Get food poisoning and tell her to stay home from work to take care of you. Crash your car and flee the scene. Leave drug residue in her car and tell her it's there and that she should avoid getting pulled over or she'll be arrested. Tell her you have a chronic illness but you don't want her to know the prognosis. Wear clothes that are far too big. Quit your job. Tell her she should be helping you get a job at her work. Tell her you lied about going to college even though you didn't. Leave wet laundry in the washing machine for days.
Buy plane tickets with your seat in first class and hers in economy. Lose her wallet. Lose her keys. Drink energy drinks until you are sick. Order pizza then turn away the delivery driver. Tell her she's being unreasonable. Go to the gym in women's clothes. Buy a weight set online and leave it on the doorstep. Horde paper money because it will increase in value after the collapse. Try gardening and fail. Put fiberglass in her food. Invite friends over when she has work in the morning. Follow her around on her day off while she thinks you're at work. Scratch her favorite vinyl and place it back in the sleeve without telling her. Spend thousands of dollars on designer clothing and refuse to wear it out of the house. Apply to hundreds of colleges and pay the application fee on credit.
Make her cosign a lease on commercial real estate. Put a gun in her purse. Loosen the screws on the chair she usually sits in. Grind her kitchen knives on the counter until they're uselessly dull. Break your phone and beg her to give you hers. Tell her you'll replace the locks at her house unless she stops snoring at night. Get ticketed for loitering at 7-11. Burn the food you told her was for dinner then eat her leftover salad. Use all the hot water. Stop wearing underwear. Eat apples and leave the cores on the coffee table. Have her call you when you're ready.